Jokes Archives
BLACK AND WHITE
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, " Why is the bride dressed in white?
" Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, " So why is the groom wearing black?"
SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT
Do not eat natural foods. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like Slinkies: not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather: it pays no attention to criticism
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves. you thirty cents?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
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The Healing Touch of Christ
Three guys were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus,, I've suffered from back pain ever since. I took shrapnel in the Viet Nam war. ‘Could you help me?"
"Of course my son," Jesus said. When Jesus touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years .The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When the glasses hit the-water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.
When Jesus turned to heal the third man, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively, "Don't touch rne! I'm on long-term disability."
A Christian Puppy
A Baptist couple decided that they want to get a dog.
As they are walking down the street in town, they
notice that a sign in the pet shop is advertising
" Christian Puppies." Their interest piqued, they go inside.
"How do you know they're Christian puppies?"
"Watch," says the owner, as he takes one of the dogs and says,
"fetch the Bible" The dog runs over to the desk, and grabs the
Bible in its mouth and returns. Putting the Bible on the floor, the
owner says, " Find Psalm 23." The dog flips pages with its paw
until he reaches the right page, and then stops. amazed and delighted,
the couple purchase the dog and head home.
That evening, they invite some friends over and show them the dog,
having him run through his Psalm 23 routine.Impressed,one of the
visitors asks " Does he also know 'regular' commands?
" Gee, we don't know. We didn't ask, " replies the husband.
Turning to the dog, he says, " Sit." The dog sits. He says " Lie down."
The dog lies down. " Roll over." The dog rolls over.
He says " Heel." The dog runs over to him, jumps up on the sofa, puts
both paws on the Bible and bows his head.
"Oh look!" the wife exclaims. " He's PENTECOSTAL!"
Bound for Heaven or Hell?
At the end of his sermon Father O’Brian turned to his listeners and said:
“Now, let me ask you. Which of you thinks truly he is bound for paradise? Would you please stand?” He was pleased to note that nearly all of his parishioners stood up.
“That’s good,” he exclaimed. “But now, let me ask you. Which of you thinks he is bound for hell? Would you stand?”
out, Father O’Brian pulled Jack aside and asked him, “Now., Jack, what is it that makes you fear you’re bound for Hell?”
To which he responded. “O, Father, I have no fear for my own outcome, but I did feel sorry for you standing up there all by yourself,”
10 Things You Never Hear in Church
1. Hey! It’s my turn to sit in the front pew!
2. I was so enthralled; I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
4. I’ve decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
6. Let’s pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
7. I love it when we sing hymns I’ve never heard before!
8. Since we’re all here, let’s start the service early.
9. Pastor , we’d like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
Warning: Put Ahead
Some friars needed to raise more money for books for the school, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair,. He asked the good brothers to close down ,but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop.
Terrified they did so, thereby proving that “Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Forrest Gump in Heaven
Forrest Gump died and went to heaven, when he got to the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth.
In order to gain admittance, a prospective Heavenly Soul must answer three questions:
1. What are two days of the week that begin with” T”?
2. How many seconds are in a year?
3. What is God’s first name?
Forrest thought for new minutes and answered:
1. The two days of the week that begin with “T” are today and tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year
3. God has two first names, and they are Andy and Howard.
Saint Peter said, “Ok, I’ll buy today and tomorrow, even though it’s not the answer I expected. Technically, your answer is correct. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year and why do you think God’s first name is either Andy or Howard?”
Forrest responded, “Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, and so on.”
“Ok that, I give, “said Saint Peter. “ But what about God’s first name?”
Forrest said, “Well. From the song … Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own…And then from the prayer…Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name…”
Saint Peter let him in without another word