Welcome To Our Joke Page
Here are some jokes for all who have their minds in the Heavenly places
Instructions on how to clean your toilet
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “power- wash” and rinse.”
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparking clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
Bloopers from Sunday school Students
- The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told hi son to stand still and he obeyed him.
- Solomon, one of David’s sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
- Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, “Man doth not to live by sweat alone.”
- It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
Bible Q&A
Q. Why was Moses the wicked man?
A. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. What animal could Noah not trust?
A. The cheetah.
Q. What kind of lights did Noah use on the ark?
A. Flood lights.
The Children of Israel
"Mr.Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's something I can't figure out."
"What's that, Joey ?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well, according to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right." And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"
"Er, right."
"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
" And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought
the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something important,
right?"
" All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. " So what's your question?"
" What were all the grown-ups doing?"
A Very Minor Sin
A famous professor of
surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates he was asked
by the gatekeeper, "Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?”
Yes,"
the professor
answered, "When I was a young-candidate-at the. Hospital of Saint
Lucas, we played
soccer against a team from the Community Hospital, and I scored
a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not see it, and the goal
won us the
match. I regret that now,"
"Wait;" said the gatekeeper. "That is a very minor sin. You may enter." "Thank you very much, Saint Peter," the professor answered,
"You're welcome, but I am not Saint Peter," said the gatekeeper.
"He is having his |
lunch break. I am Saint Lucas."
A Grave Tragedy
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted-to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect him self, then replied. "My wife's first husband,"
The Driver, the Priest, and the Lawyer
\
A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of -the road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride.
A ways down the road the driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned .the truck to steer directly toward the lawyer, Then he remembered, "I have a, priest in the truck. I can't run down this lawyer," and at the last .second he swerved to miss the lawyer,
But he heard a thump
outside anyway. He looked in his rear-view mirror but didn't
see anything.
He turned to the priest
and said, "Sorry Father, I just missed that lawyer at the
side of the road." . .
And the priest said, "Don't worry' son, I got him with my door."